Obsessed with your boyfriend’s ex? It’s called Retroactive Jealousy

Jealousy may appear endearing in fiction with the brooding partner obsessively being possessive about the relationship. In fact, owing to these suave, fictional characters, possessiveness may as well be one of the top, coveted traits in your prospective partner. Reality check, take off your rose-tinted glasses. It’s as awful as biting your tongue while you have your favourite dish. It might as well ruin your favourite dish for good. Jealousy in relationships is anything but pleasant. Have you ever had a partner who always gets worked up on your past relationships? Maybe they badger you with relentless questions like “Do you still think about them?”
This obsessive and possessive focus on the partner’s past rises from a place of insecurity about not being good enough. This is called Retroactive Jealousy. Psychotherapist Nadia Addesi took to Instagram to talk about this concept and explain its origin further.
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On the surface, it may seem as though they doubt their partner’s intentions, implying that they fear their partner might return to past relationships. To you, it may appear that they are casting doubt on you and the relationship. It’s as if their confidence in the bond itself is wavering. However, this jealousy actually stems from insecurity and is a projection of their own fear of abandonment and low self-esteem.
Nadia Addesi explained, “It’s not always about what they’re doing now but rather an anxious attachment style and a deeper sense of insecurity. When you don’t feel fully secure or ‘good enough; in yourself, your mind might go overboard focusing on past relationships that actually have no relevance in the present. It’s that voice in our head that wonders, “What if I’m not as good as the people they’ve been with before?”
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If this sounds familiar to you, break away from the old pattern. Psychotherapist Nadia Addesi offers some helpful tips for healing to prevent retroactive jealousy from interfering with your relationships.
Dwelling on the past is not worth it. Overthinking, over-assuming, and over-analyzing the ghosts of past relationships can overload your current relationship, potentially pushing it to its breaking point. Instead, stay confident in the strength of your present bond. The past can’t reach you, what’s done is done. Nadia Addesi makes a very valid and strong point regarding this. “Focus on the bond you’re building now, which is stronger and more real than any memory.”
Since jealousy has its roots in troubled self-esteem, make sure to care for yourself. Self-love and self-compassion will help you navigate the choppy waters of negative self-image. Nadi said, “Jealousy often highlights parts of us that need reassurance and nurturing.” Listen to what your jealousy is saying and start to uncover what’s troubling you and work towards it.
A relationship is not a gladiator match or a pursuit of some victory of ego. Be honest and transparent about your feelings with your partner. Jealousy often antagonises the partner and questions their intentions. Avoid making your partner feel responsible for your insecurities. You have to say, “It’s not you, it’s me” without any embarrassment. Be bold and brave enough to show your vulnerable side. This way, your partner can better understand you and offer support.
As Nadia Addesi advises, “Have open and honest conversations with your partner. Let them know what you’re feeling—not to make them responsible, but to give yourself the freedom to be vulnerable. Remember, retroactive jealousy isn’t about them and what they’re doing or done wrong, it’s about understanding your own needs and fears, then working through them in the relationship.”
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